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Ooookay, so I know I suck at memes.

But this one looks fun! And it only requires a snippet, so maybe I can do it!

Name three fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. (For whatever reason.) In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of one of them.

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1. Some form of Jack MPreg.
2. Havelock as a Sissy.
3. I don't know, I can't think anymore because 2. broke my brain.

Hee! I kind of wrote #2 at one point - an alternate version of him who wasn't sneakily-minded from a child, and died on his first assignment. He was all shy pathetic and nervous!

Ummm. Hmm! Will get back to you.

Um, I meant Sissy.

*shameface*

"You know what I want?"

"Oh, god."

"No, although I'm sure whatever deity is your choice is very tasty, Ianto. No. Those candy cigarettes that twelve year olds put in their mouths and pretend to smoke. I have no idea. They were disgusting, like sugared plastic, but I just have to have one."

"Sir, I think I would prefer it if you smoken an actual cigarette than eat something that awful. Do you know what's in those?"

"No."

"And neither do I, and that's why you should be very afraid. Now sit still, and I'll bring you some more of that herb tea that Owen suggested. Maybe it will help the cravings."

"I hate Owen. Where is he, I want to shoot him!"

"You told him to take a week off, so you didn't accidentally shoot him."

"Believe me, this won't be accidental."

"Yes, of course Sir."

"Don't humor me."

"Yes, Sir."

*gigglesnort*

Jack would make a great Mommy, but he's the crochetiest pregnant man ever.

He'd punch out the first person to say he was glowing, wouldn't he? Poor Jack.

He would.

I mean, avoiding alcohol out of choice is one thing. Not being able to have any ever?

Hooboy.

Not forever, only for nine months. (And red wine is supposed to be okay, for the antioxidents.)

Oh, that'd seem like forever the first time he really felt like it.

Poor boy. Mind you, he does seem to have had practise. >_>

Torchwood: where every fanfic cliche comes true!

AHAHAHA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. SO SO SO MUCH. :D Wait, did Ianto knock him up? Was it an alien? Is he going to keep the baby? I need to know these things!

he's the crochetiest pregnant man ever.

HELP I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING HELP

It does!

Oh, RTD. You strange, predictable, but genius man.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

I mean, he already has anger-management issues. Add mood-swings to that? OW.

YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.

Mostly because I don't, myself.

And Jack doesn't.

Because Owen's been banished from the base so Jack doesn't kill him. :D!

Man, that'll be a fun birth.

But you say it like there are other pregnant men OH GOD hahahahaha. HELP.

And yeah, really. Torchwood!Jack needs a psychiatrist. Possibly Dr. Rivers from Regeneration canon. JACK! PUNCHING OWEN WILL NOT MAKE THE MORNING SICKNESS DIMINISH.

... does this mean he's pulled the gun out of his butt to make room for the ickle foetus?

I have decided it's the Doctor's. It's the only explanation. Time Lord babies have a really LONG dormant period before the gestation begins in earnest OH GOD I'M STILL LAUGHING.

BUT IT WILL BRING MOMENTARY HAPPINESS!

Also, punching Owen is always hilarious.

Heee hee hee hee.

AND THAT IS WHAT THE FACE OF BOE MEANT.

TO EVERYONE WATCHING.

Oh, man, someone should quite clearly make a vid of Owen being punched a lot to the tune of Happy Days Are Here Again.

CLEARLY. The Face of Boe was all, "Hey, Doctor, you somebody's babydaddy" and the Doctor was all "nuh-uh, I totally used protection except for this one time with Jack under the hub of the TARDIS because he was doing that thing with his tongue and I didn't have the patience and hey he may be full of diseases but I'm immune to them so ... OH NO."

Fisting? SO NOT SAFE SEX.

(Could it be anyone else's baby? Really, Derek.)

(I think the real question is: Is there anyone whose baby is COULDN'T be? It's Jack - who can tell?!)

Ooops!

HAY DOCTOR, SURPRISES! :D!

The Hand: It's not just about groping anymore. *sighs* *'ships*

Also the Doctor being all HAY UM NAPPIES DO NOT WANT. And then changing them anyway.

One finger at a time. Who knew DNA could be transmitted so easily? Oh, wait, Jack DID because blah blah in Whoverse DNA is like fucking AIR, it gets everywhere. Just look at the Daleks.

An excellent point and well made. But you know Jack's a hoor. It might have been some random alien's baby.

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