![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rowanberriesSo yes, Love Never Dies: Unfortunately, Since We All Wish It Would Already.
Let's do that.
I have seven pages in my notebook, all written in the dark, and I will try to expand on each note to give you a flavour of just what![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bookelfe and I sat through. (Her review, for she is swifter and more industrious than I am, is here!)
IN FAIRNESS: On a certain level, I did actually have a good time at the show. The cast were excellent; even Christine's actress, who valiantly strove against some horribly written music. (Dear composers: Just because a singer can reach certain notes, does not mean she should constantly be doing it. Especially when the lyrics are kind of important and now really hard to understand.)
Also, if you name your musical after one singular song contained within, for the love of god, could it not be... boring? Seriously. MORE ON THAT LATER.
Where to start? The beginning, perhaps! Well! We entered the (swelteringly hot) theatre, the Adelphi, with a few minutes to spare, having bolstered our courage with a cocktail each and a lot of tasty pastry bits at the BFI. My first impression was that it seemed far larger than Her Majesty's, where the original is shown, which has a more intimate feel. This is, presumably, to maximise the drama when (spoiler!) the chandelier falls.
There is no chandelier in LND. (I know. Becca and I mourned the lack as well.) Instead, black and white projections are played over the gauze at the front of the stage, and the huge size really works with it - fair play, it looked amazing. I started taking notes about five minutes in, after realising that there were things I NEEDED to get out, and we wouldn't make ourselves popular if we talked the whole way through.
(We still didn't. That was inevitable, and at least nobody actually killed us.)
OMGWTF - Ahhh, the first sight of the Phantom's lair du jour. He has moved on from an underground lake to a gigantic bedazzled skull at the top of a tower. (Yes, really.)
Okay. OH, she a robot. - Indeed she is! With a cloth dramatically blown off her at the start in effect #1 of many that probably cost thousands to create that are only used once.
Ooo! This is pretty/purple - The skull is largely purple. Also, I wrote pretty and purple directly over each other because it was pitch black in the audience. But both do apply!
ROBOT. Why the death pose? - I was a little stuck on the damn robot. Also that when the Phantom puts her away in her strange cage-like thing (!) he crosses her arms across her chest like she's dead (!!!). OH THE FORESHADOWING. OF SO MANY PROBLEMATIC MOMENTS IN THIS SHOW.
HI MEG! - Meg Giry is also in this show! AND SHE IS FIGHTING VALIANTLY TO KEEP SOME CHARACTERISATION. But she has lost all her clothes along the way. :(
Ooo, this song is creepy and pretty - Aha! Possibly the best number in the show is about ten minutes in, introducing the Phantom's Coney Island show:
PHANTASMA! - LOL we see what you did there, Erik.
Okay, the effects are amazing - Hands down, the best use of their staging choices was in this number, as well as being probably my favourite song. The circus actors performed the various acts in a dreamlike manner behind the gauze, being revealed here and there behind the projections. The stage rotated, and that motion worked beautifully to bring the effects and the choreography together. It was lovely. Even though the choice of bringing actresses down on a trapeze from the flies made me think there was more than a little Moulin Rouge influence going on there.
Satine? - Nope, it's a gymnast! And later, Meg! Speaking of:
My god, Meg is sparkly.
Oh dear, Meg, not you too. - "Did the Phantom see? Did he like it? MUMMY DOES HE LOVE ME YET?" Madame G: "No." (I almost wrote 'non' there, but in this show, they denote the French characters by giving them English accents. Everyone else makes a valiant stab at American. I... will leave it to Becca to let you know how well they succeeded?)
Is she in love with the Phantom or Christine? - A fair question, as right after her obsessing over what the Phantom thought of her performance, Meg gets terribly overexcited to hear that Christine is coming to town! And she can come and see her! And they can hang out and talk and it will be just like the old days SQUEEE! (Meg/Christine is totally where it's at.)
OMFG - L'Arrivage Du Chagnys! Oh man, I started giggling right from Christine's backlit exit off the ship and COULD NOT STOP.
Poshest French kid ever - Oh, Gustave. So much a drama school brat. (Although to be honest, I was impressed that the kid could keep going for the whole show - he has a lot to do for a child part, right up until the end.)
Some 80s power chords have arrived to kidnap Christine! - In the form of a giant mechanical horse-and-carriage complete with scary trio from the Coney Island Circus! And all the family dither for a bit then get in. (The idea was that Christine was actually in the country to sing for Mr Hammerstein in order to pay off Raoul'sfanfic plot device gambling debts, but he wasn't there to collect her. So... basically the whole show happens because this one guy was late. Dammit, Hammerstein!)
Longest carriage ride EVER. - Seriously. The Indiana-Jones style red-line-on-map projection went on for a hilariously long time. Be more subtle about your scene-changes, guys! Or maybe the mechanical carriage just had rubbish SatNav?
DUN DUN DUN - Um, that is all I have written there. Is that...
Music more dramatic than events - Oh, I remember now! It is the entirely expected and not at all shocking reappearance of the Phantom in the giant window outside Christine's room. I say the music was overdramatic because, with the bigger stage and overdone design of said window, it was actually kind of hard to see that Phantom behind there at first. It was like 'well, the musical key says he's here, but I don't see hi- ah, there he is!' Nnnot quite the effect they were going for, I think.
Oh dear. 'No choice.' Sure. - Ahhh, good old 'but I HAD to stalk/threaten/kidnap you! I CAN'T HELP IT' argument.
So... are they trying to say she went and found him for a booty call? - This is exactly what they are saying now. After all, isn't it perfectly natural to go and shag your old stalker (how did she find him?) the night before your wedding to another man? Right? Right? Of course.
Song unnecessarily sexual. Should we go?
Mildly uncomfortable now. - The reunion scene goes on for a Long Time. And even the nifty revolve effect where we get to go outside and see the room from out on the balcony didn't make up for endless singing in each others faces about how they held each other and touched each other and in conclusion totally did it, yes, like that for the slower members of the audience, but it totally wasn't rape in the cave because she went and found him exactly ten years ago get that ten like her son is ten years old and oh my god SHUT UP.
The song wasn't even that good.
When was he shy? - His justification for never shagging her before that? Or... something? Apparently all the kidnapping and stalking and murdering people and singing lessons was just him being bashful. Oh, Phantom! You so crazy.
Mum and Dad are fighting... - Or singing angrily at each other, which is the closest Christine and the Phantom ever get without murder threats to third parties.
The rotating set is awesome - It is! Well done, set builders. You are the true heroes of this production.
Awkward... - Of course little Gustave runs in at that point. They have been singing at each other at the tops of their voices for about half an hour!
WTF is he, Rumplestiltskin? - Ahhh, the good old 'sing this song I wrote for me, or I will keep your ten-year-old son as my own!' gambit! A sure way to win Christine's love, Phantom! (SPOILER: Sadly, it apparently totally is.)
Meg/Christine OTP - They are ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER and chatting so happily in spite of slight awkwardness of Christine accidentally stealing Meg's big break.
Becca: It... passes the Bechdel test!
Amy: Of all musicals, this manages?
So there is that!
My god, they're playing the Virgin/Whore trope crazy obvs in this scene - Seriously.
Madame G - Raoul bitchfight! - Apparently these two have forgotten that they worked together all of the last musical. They can't even seem to bond over their mutual lost characterisation! :(
Yeah right - I do not remember what this refers to. Possibly just the musical as a whole.
Aha! The next scene is the one where little baby Gustave turns up to see the Phantom in his crazed skull-like lair with his crazed circus trio and his crazed inventions and his crazed... grand piano. :D! says baby Gustave.
"He plays like me!" - The Phantom breaks it down for the slower members of the audience.
It was possibly not the best line to have put in, as the inference is that the Phantom plays like a ten-year-old, and while the kid picks his notes out competently, it is a basic, chordless tune. He could have said something about his writing music like the Phantom, or the haunting melody being similar to the Phantom's or... look, whatever. I'm just saying. (The idea of the Phantom earnestly playing the piano with one finger is awesome, though. Tee-hee!)
My notes for the rest of this scene go a little incoherent, as it abruptly turns into a rock opera.
ohErikWTF [indecipherable squiggle] 80s machineomg
with a Terminator - It had about six hands and was playing something like an electric barrel organ. Also, there were squiggly things that writhed when the light hit them hanging from the ceiling, and a walking trolley pushed by a half-woman, half-skeleton, and I never said that visually this wasn't AMAZING.
Go reverb! - The sound team valiantly try and balance tiny little Gustave's tiny little voice above the epic insanity of the rest of the music.
"Perhaps TOO beautiful." STOP PERVING ON YOUR SON. - I'm sorry, the Phantom cannot be anything but a creepy stalker, and he was chasing the kid around the stage exclaiming how beautiful he was in a highly menacing tone. I JUST REPORT THE FACTS Becca will back me up.
Gustave just as crazy as Phantom - Yes, his love of all the skulls and music and weird shit in the lair is taken as proof that he is the Phantom's son, and not just that he is a ten year old boy. Looks like it wasn't the product of Erik's deformity, then! No, it's a genetic predisposition towards 80s power chords and bedazzled skulls. Also:
LOL - mask ripping runs in families. - I didn't actually twig what had happened for a moment, and this is one of the ways the huge, elaborate sets worked against them. It was easy to miss this for a while, as it was when the Phantom came to Christine's room, and I spent way too long trying to see what the musical cue was trying to call my attention to. Another thing:
Christine's part possibly too high - hard to hear - this is a big problem when the entire premise of the show is that this is the woman with the most amazing voice that everyone loves to hear. I don't think it was a shortcoming of the actress, either - it is just awkwardly written in a lot of places, and boringly in others. It sad that hers is easily the worst vocal part in the entire show. (YMMV, of course. I'm just saying that I found most of her parts dull melodically, and still somehow overwritten in places. The title song, I WILL GET TO.)
Poor stagehands - keeps chucking papers everywhere - It didn't just happen here, either (Right before the interval)! There's a lot of flinging loose sheets about that must have been a bugger to clear in blackout without slipping on them.
I don't have a note for this, but blah blah, the Phantom (very loudly) makes his epic realization (very loudly) and vows (very loudly) that Gustave shall have everything, and exits. (Very loudly.) Madame Giry, who had apparently been lurking in the shadows for the past forty minute, appears and turns into a character from Grimm's fairy tales, holding a gun ominously (it was the Phantom's; you know, for when he goes out highway-robbing) and hinting incredibly obviously about if the kid were out of the way everything would be hers! Hers! Ahahahaha! (sort of loudly)
There HAD been some previous expository awkwardness where some men tried to brush her aside to talk to the Phantom as the owner of the circus, but... she called them down on it, and dealt with them herself. As, it is implied, she had been doing for years, preparing for when she would presumably inherit it, which - what, was she going to kill the Phantom? (SHE SHOULD! PROBLEM SOLVED ALL ROUND.) I was fairly sure that Erik was relatively young - younger than Madame Giry, certainly, and healthier depite his deformity - he's always depicted as strong and agile. (And ripped, usually.)
I don't even know.
I'm trying to apply logic to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, aren't I?
INTERVAL. THANK GOD. WE ADJOURNED TO THE BAR.
Amy: How much wine can they legally sell me?
Becca: *Lamenting* IF ONLY MEG WAS WEARING CLOTHES.
AND WE'RE BACK
Becca: I think Raoul is about to sing.
Amy: Can he do that? Now that he's the designated bad guy?
Apparently he could! But only for this one number. It went like this:
ZOMG parallel
"Beneath this mask I wear!" WE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. - It was not a complex number.
Meg's voice so pretty - It was! She also had some of the best melodies in the whole thing. (Making Christine's lack of them even more glaring.)
Boys, stop betting on Christine - AND THEN THEY MADE A BET TO DECIDE WHO GOT CHRISTINE AND THE KID.
OH, Meg - I think this is just in general. Buuut there's a lot to be sorry for, as it's implied pretty heavily that she's had to sleep with lots of unpleasant men and generally had a really shitty time trying to make a successful career in a time that was NOT GOOD for ladies.
Especially ladies who are apparently not allowed to wear proper clothes even in her time off. (Okay, she has been swimming in a dramatically symbolic and foreshadowy way, but whatever.)
PLOT
It is trying so hard - ...to have one, that is.
Christine, run off with Meg! - I know I keep saying it, but I didn't stop wishing she would. Seriously, they could earn a living together! You could fight Julie Andrews for Broadway roles! Meg could wear clothes! EVERYTHING would be better! And we could cut short this interminable scene of each man imploring her to sing/not to sing right before the final 'epic' showdown.
Srsly. - Yes, I seem to have agreed with myself there.
Christine breaks out the cleavage of destiny! - they had to get some in somewhere!
Sparkly... - Her dress is made entirely of nude sparkles, thus managing to be blindingly glittery and boring at the same time. The Fug Girls would have a field day.
Becca is sneezing at the great Christine/Phantom pleading scene - she is allergic to romance - The fact that I apparently sat and wrote a note unkindly mocking Becca rather than watch this scene indicates the depth to which I was enthralled with it. :\
Why do they still call her Miss Daaé? - Professional name, maybe? Except I thought she hadn't been performing? IDK. Or C.
Prima Donna! - Ah yes! The Prima Donna theme from the previous musical turns up again, except about Christine, not Carlotta. (Man, I MISS CARLOTTA. The musicial would have been better with her in it.) I think there is some unintentional irony here in playing the theme for a famous soprano who now only sings overwrought and shrieky music lacking in melody. Okay, Christine isn't shrieky, but the music she sings in this... eesh.
Speaking of.
The famous title song!
Gustave oddly breathy - I wrote this right when he started singing his creepy little melody, underscoringSophie's Christine's choice. I did not realise he would have to sing it for the next what felt like half an hour while the stage slooooowly rotated and Christine looked conflicted. Nnnot that she knew about the bet (AUGH GOD) so why on earth she thought she couldn't just sing the song, snag her husband and kid if she wants and leave, I have NO IDEA.
Poor kid, he's been singing for ages - while up a ladder! I was mildly concerned about him. Then someone comes and takes him away and to get some juice or a throat sweet of something, and Christine...
Christine, sing to the AUDIENCE - NOT TO THE TOSSERS IN THE WINGS.
God, the title song is boring. - What more can I say? It is dull, and it drags, and doesn't really go anywhere except for some minor operatic warbling near the end, which the actress throws her soul into, but can't even make more than mildly better than the rest of the song. I just. Did not. Care. *Snore* Anyone remember that godawful song ALW composed for Eurovision that I wished to never be reminded of again?
THIS REMINDED ME OF THAT.
Forgery or what? - Remember when the Phantom told us he played/composed like a ten-year-old? The blend of that with this poor effort makes me smile.
NOT MUCH ELSE ABOUT THIS ACT DOES.
O...kay - This could refer to so much. Since I can't remember what, let's catch up to where my next notes are from: Christine sang the stupid boring song, so Raoul lost the bet, which means he has to let Christine and Gustave stay with the Phantom (AAAAARGH). He has gone by the time she gets offstage, leaving her a note and (maybe!) taking the kid. Meg has also disappeared after a conversation with her mother about how Gustave is the Phantom's child and Christine is going to stay and take her place as the leading lady of the show and in conclusion, she is totally worthless to him (good going, Giry Senior) BUT WAIT - someone saw her with Gustave!!! And then they all go to the seaside of poorly thought-out endings.
My notes, incoherent, yadda yadda.
Whatever (tiny bit of) characterization[squiggle]
Stupidest thing I HAVE EVER SEEN.
WHAT.
Becca: That is worse than if she'd shot her on purpose.
Because of course Meg couldn't even have had the agency to try and get revenge on anyone, she just wanted the Phantom to ~*~notice her~*~ before she killed herself (with that Chekhov's literal gun, DAMMIT Phantom Turpin!) and took the kid because she knew no one would notice she was gone otherwise. (It is... legitimately sad that this is completely true. WE NOTICED, MEG! ME AND BECCA CARE ABOUT YOU!)
Let the kid run off alone, sure - Yup, the Girys get the hell out of dodge, and Christine (while dying) is all 'the Phantom is your ~*~father~*~ now! <3!' and the kid still isn't over the face thing, so he runs away, and the Phantom and Christine (still dying) are left alone to paw at each other for about an HOUR:
If they got Christine some medical attention, she'd probably be fine - Or if they'd actually used the robot Christine from the beginning in some way? Oh man, I bet that was in the first draft, and then they took it out in favour of TRAGEDY, but... left the creepy robot in at the beginning for kicks?
Eeew.
And now:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
She dies, in case you didn't get that.
Also yes, I didn't have enough space left on the previous page to do the Big No justice. It was big.
A lot of people are actually crying at this shit - And not at how awful the plot, characterisation and general logic was. Becca and I peered around, then stayed quiet.
Raoul is here. Did Gustave go to get him? - Raoul was taking the ferry back to the mainland. Finally, I am convinced that is definitely the Phantom's kid - he's inherited his ability to travel at speed through secret passages that do not actually exist.
And then, it... just kind of ends. Kind of like this review should, I am dying here.
Let's just wrap up. I... kind of enjoyed the first half. Even beyond just laughing at the melodrama and crazy plot, and complete changes in characterisation. It was beautiful to look at, there were a few moments of nice music, and lots of lots of crack. I like that in a show!
But the second half... I cannot do anything but whimper 'Problems... PROBLEMS.' every time I try and articulate anything succinct. Which would be why I took this review through note by note. I cannot draw it together!
I do think my original, joking title of Love Never Dies: The Only Good Woman is a Dead Soprano becomes faintly uncomfortable when you realise that this is almost exactly true. Christine, the pure heroine - and this is how she is presented, despite the premarital sex, because a) it was with her True Love and b) it got her pregnant with his son - has brought Gustave up to age ten, and now he is ready for the world of his father. He does not need her any more. The Phantom will grieve her forever, but she has fairly literally given him a son. (And by that way? Few things annoy me more than: He is your son! I always knew! HOW? FFS, you HAD YOUR WEDDING NIGHT THE DAY AFTER THAT, IT COULD HAVE BEEN RAOUL'S.) She has fulfilled her purpose. And she could not have left with Raoul, despite the hints that she did still love him for who he used to be (and was determined to be again for her sake) because if the Phantom couldn't have her, nobody could.
It's almost exactly what he was getting at throughout the whole first musical, except the love story they were trying to make would not work if he had killed her or caused her to die. No, that had to be the fault of the only two other women with major roles - Madame Giry for her OOC scheming, and Meg for trying to draw attention to herself (and more to the point, being 'impure', sexual - despite that it was never what she wanted and OH GOD that's a whole other issue - and ambitious, career-wise), gets to accidentally kill her friend. (NOT MY OPINION OF HER ACTIONS. This is just... the impression this whole sorry mess leaves in my mind.)
I'll stop now, because this was meant to be lighthearted mockery, dammit, and I'll get depressed if I think about it too much longer.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT PROBLEMS.
One more note, that I really CANNOT remember writing:
Incase w - That is it. All I can think is that I looked around at murderous faces during one of the moments where the giggling grew uncontrollable and tried to write In case we die, tell my family I loved them.
In conclusion:
Becca: Gustave has two Daddies and A ROBOT MOMMY. - So he has.
Come on, fess up. Who linked Andrew Lloyd Webber to the Pit of Voles?
EDIT: I cannot believe I just wrote 4,000 words about an Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical.
Let's do that.
I have seven pages in my notebook, all written in the dark, and I will try to expand on each note to give you a flavour of just what
bookelfe and I sat through. (Her review, for she is swifter and more industrious than I am, is here!)IN FAIRNESS: On a certain level, I did actually have a good time at the show. The cast were excellent; even Christine's actress, who valiantly strove against some horribly written music. (Dear composers: Just because a singer can reach certain notes, does not mean she should constantly be doing it. Especially when the lyrics are kind of important and now really hard to understand.)
Also, if you name your musical after one singular song contained within, for the love of god, could it not be... boring? Seriously. MORE ON THAT LATER.
Where to start? The beginning, perhaps! Well! We entered the (swelteringly hot) theatre, the Adelphi, with a few minutes to spare, having bolstered our courage with a cocktail each and a lot of tasty pastry bits at the BFI. My first impression was that it seemed far larger than Her Majesty's, where the original is shown, which has a more intimate feel. This is, presumably, to maximise the drama when (spoiler!) the chandelier falls.
There is no chandelier in LND. (I know. Becca and I mourned the lack as well.) Instead, black and white projections are played over the gauze at the front of the stage, and the huge size really works with it - fair play, it looked amazing. I started taking notes about five minutes in, after realising that there were things I NEEDED to get out, and we wouldn't make ourselves popular if we talked the whole way through.
(We still didn't. That was inevitable, and at least nobody actually killed us.)
- Page 1
OMGWTF - Ahhh, the first sight of the Phantom's lair du jour. He has moved on from an underground lake to a gigantic bedazzled skull at the top of a tower. (Yes, really.)
Okay. OH, she a robot. - Indeed she is! With a cloth dramatically blown off her at the start in effect #1 of many that probably cost thousands to create that are only used once.
Ooo! This is pretty/purple - The skull is largely purple. Also, I wrote pretty and purple directly over each other because it was pitch black in the audience. But both do apply!
ROBOT. Why the death pose? - I was a little stuck on the damn robot. Also that when the Phantom puts her away in her strange cage-like thing (!) he crosses her arms across her chest like she's dead (!!!). OH THE FORESHADOWING. OF SO MANY PROBLEMATIC MOMENTS IN THIS SHOW.
HI MEG! - Meg Giry is also in this show! AND SHE IS FIGHTING VALIANTLY TO KEEP SOME CHARACTERISATION. But she has lost all her clothes along the way. :(
Ooo, this song is creepy and pretty - Aha! Possibly the best number in the show is about ten minutes in, introducing the Phantom's Coney Island show:
PHANTASMA! - LOL we see what you did there, Erik.
Okay, the effects are amazing - Hands down, the best use of their staging choices was in this number, as well as being probably my favourite song. The circus actors performed the various acts in a dreamlike manner behind the gauze, being revealed here and there behind the projections. The stage rotated, and that motion worked beautifully to bring the effects and the choreography together. It was lovely. Even though the choice of bringing actresses down on a trapeze from the flies made me think there was more than a little Moulin Rouge influence going on there.
Satine? - Nope, it's a gymnast! And later, Meg! Speaking of:
My god, Meg is sparkly.
Oh dear, Meg, not you too. - "Did the Phantom see? Did he like it? MUMMY DOES HE LOVE ME YET?" Madame G: "No." (I almost wrote 'non' there, but in this show, they denote the French characters by giving them English accents. Everyone else makes a valiant stab at American. I... will leave it to Becca to let you know how well they succeeded?)
Is she in love with the Phantom or Christine? - A fair question, as right after her obsessing over what the Phantom thought of her performance, Meg gets terribly overexcited to hear that Christine is coming to town! And she can come and see her! And they can hang out and talk and it will be just like the old days SQUEEE! (Meg/Christine is totally where it's at.)
- Page 2
OMFG - L'Arrivage Du Chagnys! Oh man, I started giggling right from Christine's backlit exit off the ship and COULD NOT STOP.
Poshest French kid ever - Oh, Gustave. So much a drama school brat. (Although to be honest, I was impressed that the kid could keep going for the whole show - he has a lot to do for a child part, right up until the end.)
Some 80s power chords have arrived to kidnap Christine! - In the form of a giant mechanical horse-and-carriage complete with scary trio from the Coney Island Circus! And all the family dither for a bit then get in. (The idea was that Christine was actually in the country to sing for Mr Hammerstein in order to pay off Raoul's
Longest carriage ride EVER. - Seriously. The Indiana-Jones style red-line-on-map projection went on for a hilariously long time. Be more subtle about your scene-changes, guys! Or maybe the mechanical carriage just had rubbish SatNav?
DUN DUN DUN - Um, that is all I have written there. Is that...
Music more dramatic than events - Oh, I remember now! It is the entirely expected and not at all shocking reappearance of the Phantom in the giant window outside Christine's room. I say the music was overdramatic because, with the bigger stage and overdone design of said window, it was actually kind of hard to see that Phantom behind there at first. It was like 'well, the musical key says he's here, but I don't see hi- ah, there he is!' Nnnot quite the effect they were going for, I think.
Oh dear. 'No choice.' Sure. - Ahhh, good old 'but I HAD to stalk/threaten/kidnap you! I CAN'T HELP IT' argument.
So... are they trying to say she went and found him for a booty call? - This is exactly what they are saying now. After all, isn't it perfectly natural to go and shag your old stalker (how did she find him?) the night before your wedding to another man? Right? Right? Of course.
Song unnecessarily sexual. Should we go?
Mildly uncomfortable now. - The reunion scene goes on for a Long Time. And even the nifty revolve effect where we get to go outside and see the room from out on the balcony didn't make up for endless singing in each others faces about how they held each other and touched each other and in conclusion totally did it, yes, like that for the slower members of the audience, but it totally wasn't rape in the cave because she went and found him exactly ten years ago get that ten like her son is ten years old and oh my god SHUT UP.
The song wasn't even that good.
When was he shy? - His justification for never shagging her before that? Or... something? Apparently all the kidnapping and stalking and murdering people and singing lessons was just him being bashful. Oh, Phantom! You so crazy.
Mum and Dad are fighting... - Or singing angrily at each other, which is the closest Christine and the Phantom ever get without murder threats to third parties.
- Page 3
The rotating set is awesome - It is! Well done, set builders. You are the true heroes of this production.
Awkward... - Of course little Gustave runs in at that point. They have been singing at each other at the tops of their voices for about half an hour!
WTF is he, Rumplestiltskin? - Ahhh, the good old 'sing this song I wrote for me, or I will keep your ten-year-old son as my own!' gambit! A sure way to win Christine's love, Phantom! (SPOILER: Sadly, it apparently totally is.)
Meg/Christine OTP - They are ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER and chatting so happily in spite of slight awkwardness of Christine accidentally stealing Meg's big break.
Becca: It... passes the Bechdel test!
Amy: Of all musicals, this manages?
So there is that!
My god, they're playing the Virgin/Whore trope crazy obvs in this scene - Seriously.
Madame G - Raoul bitchfight! - Apparently these two have forgotten that they worked together all of the last musical. They can't even seem to bond over their mutual lost characterisation! :(
Yeah right - I do not remember what this refers to. Possibly just the musical as a whole.
Aha! The next scene is the one where little baby Gustave turns up to see the Phantom in his crazed skull-like lair with his crazed circus trio and his crazed inventions and his crazed... grand piano. :D! says baby Gustave.
"He plays like me!" - The Phantom breaks it down for the slower members of the audience.
It was possibly not the best line to have put in, as the inference is that the Phantom plays like a ten-year-old, and while the kid picks his notes out competently, it is a basic, chordless tune. He could have said something about his writing music like the Phantom, or the haunting melody being similar to the Phantom's or... look, whatever. I'm just saying. (The idea of the Phantom earnestly playing the piano with one finger is awesome, though. Tee-hee!)
My notes for the rest of this scene go a little incoherent, as it abruptly turns into a rock opera.
ohErikWTF [indecipherable squiggle] 80s machineomg
with a Terminator - It had about six hands and was playing something like an electric barrel organ. Also, there were squiggly things that writhed when the light hit them hanging from the ceiling, and a walking trolley pushed by a half-woman, half-skeleton, and I never said that visually this wasn't AMAZING.
Go reverb! - The sound team valiantly try and balance tiny little Gustave's tiny little voice above the epic insanity of the rest of the music.
"Perhaps TOO beautiful." STOP PERVING ON YOUR SON. - I'm sorry, the Phantom cannot be anything but a creepy stalker, and he was chasing the kid around the stage exclaiming how beautiful he was in a highly menacing tone. I JUST REPORT THE FACTS Becca will back me up.
- Page 4
Gustave just as crazy as Phantom - Yes, his love of all the skulls and music and weird shit in the lair is taken as proof that he is the Phantom's son, and not just that he is a ten year old boy. Looks like it wasn't the product of Erik's deformity, then! No, it's a genetic predisposition towards 80s power chords and bedazzled skulls. Also:
LOL - mask ripping runs in families. - I didn't actually twig what had happened for a moment, and this is one of the ways the huge, elaborate sets worked against them. It was easy to miss this for a while, as it was when the Phantom came to Christine's room, and I spent way too long trying to see what the musical cue was trying to call my attention to. Another thing:
Christine's part possibly too high - hard to hear - this is a big problem when the entire premise of the show is that this is the woman with the most amazing voice that everyone loves to hear. I don't think it was a shortcoming of the actress, either - it is just awkwardly written in a lot of places, and boringly in others. It sad that hers is easily the worst vocal part in the entire show. (YMMV, of course. I'm just saying that I found most of her parts dull melodically, and still somehow overwritten in places. The title song, I WILL GET TO.)
Poor stagehands - keeps chucking papers everywhere - It didn't just happen here, either (Right before the interval)! There's a lot of flinging loose sheets about that must have been a bugger to clear in blackout without slipping on them.
I don't have a note for this, but blah blah, the Phantom (very loudly) makes his epic realization (very loudly) and vows (very loudly) that Gustave shall have everything, and exits. (Very loudly.) Madame Giry, who had apparently been lurking in the shadows for the past forty minute, appears and turns into a character from Grimm's fairy tales, holding a gun ominously (it was the Phantom's; you know, for when he goes out highway-robbing) and hinting incredibly obviously about if the kid were out of the way everything would be hers! Hers! Ahahahaha! (sort of loudly)
There HAD been some previous expository awkwardness where some men tried to brush her aside to talk to the Phantom as the owner of the circus, but... she called them down on it, and dealt with them herself. As, it is implied, she had been doing for years, preparing for when she would presumably inherit it, which - what, was she going to kill the Phantom? (SHE SHOULD! PROBLEM SOLVED ALL ROUND.) I was fairly sure that Erik was relatively young - younger than Madame Giry, certainly, and healthier depite his deformity - he's always depicted as strong and agile. (And ripped, usually.)
I don't even know.
I'm trying to apply logic to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, aren't I?
Amy: How much wine can they legally sell me?
Becca: *Lamenting* IF ONLY MEG WAS WEARING CLOTHES.
Becca: I think Raoul is about to sing.
Amy: Can he do that? Now that he's the designated bad guy?
Apparently he could! But only for this one number. It went like this:
ZOMG parallel
"Beneath this mask I wear!" WE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. - It was not a complex number.
Meg's voice so pretty - It was! She also had some of the best melodies in the whole thing. (Making Christine's lack of them even more glaring.)
Boys, stop betting on Christine - AND THEN THEY MADE A BET TO DECIDE WHO GOT CHRISTINE AND THE KID.
OH, Meg - I think this is just in general. Buuut there's a lot to be sorry for, as it's implied pretty heavily that she's had to sleep with lots of unpleasant men and generally had a really shitty time trying to make a successful career in a time that was NOT GOOD for ladies.
Especially ladies who are apparently not allowed to wear proper clothes even in her time off. (Okay, she has been swimming in a dramatically symbolic and foreshadowy way, but whatever.)
- Page 5
PLOT
It is trying so hard - ...to have one, that is.
Christine, run off with Meg! - I know I keep saying it, but I didn't stop wishing she would. Seriously, they could earn a living together! You could fight Julie Andrews for Broadway roles! Meg could wear clothes! EVERYTHING would be better! And we could cut short this interminable scene of each man imploring her to sing/not to sing right before the final 'epic' showdown.
Srsly. - Yes, I seem to have agreed with myself there.
Christine breaks out the cleavage of destiny! - they had to get some in somewhere!
Sparkly... - Her dress is made entirely of nude sparkles, thus managing to be blindingly glittery and boring at the same time. The Fug Girls would have a field day.
Becca is sneezing at the great Christine/Phantom pleading scene - she is allergic to romance - The fact that I apparently sat and wrote a note unkindly mocking Becca rather than watch this scene indicates the depth to which I was enthralled with it. :\
Why do they still call her Miss Daaé? - Professional name, maybe? Except I thought she hadn't been performing? IDK. Or C.
Prima Donna! - Ah yes! The Prima Donna theme from the previous musical turns up again, except about Christine, not Carlotta. (Man, I MISS CARLOTTA. The musicial would have been better with her in it.) I think there is some unintentional irony here in playing the theme for a famous soprano who now only sings overwrought and shrieky music lacking in melody. Okay, Christine isn't shrieky, but the music she sings in this... eesh.
Speaking of.
The famous title song!
Gustave oddly breathy - I wrote this right when he started singing his creepy little melody, underscoring
Poor kid, he's been singing for ages - while up a ladder! I was mildly concerned about him. Then someone comes and takes him away and to get some juice or a throat sweet of something, and Christine...
- Page 6
Christine, sing to the AUDIENCE - NOT TO THE TOSSERS IN THE WINGS.
God, the title song is boring. - What more can I say? It is dull, and it drags, and doesn't really go anywhere except for some minor operatic warbling near the end, which the actress throws her soul into, but can't even make more than mildly better than the rest of the song. I just. Did not. Care. *Snore* Anyone remember that godawful song ALW composed for Eurovision that I wished to never be reminded of again?
THIS REMINDED ME OF THAT.
Forgery or what? - Remember when the Phantom told us he played/composed like a ten-year-old? The blend of that with this poor effort makes me smile.
NOT MUCH ELSE ABOUT THIS ACT DOES.
O...kay - This could refer to so much. Since I can't remember what, let's catch up to where my next notes are from: Christine sang the stupid boring song, so Raoul lost the bet, which means he has to let Christine and Gustave stay with the Phantom (AAAAARGH). He has gone by the time she gets offstage, leaving her a note and (maybe!) taking the kid. Meg has also disappeared after a conversation with her mother about how Gustave is the Phantom's child and Christine is going to stay and take her place as the leading lady of the show and in conclusion, she is totally worthless to him (good going, Giry Senior) BUT WAIT - someone saw her with Gustave!!! And then they all go to the seaside of poorly thought-out endings.
My notes, incoherent, yadda yadda.
Whatever (tiny bit of) characterization[squiggle]
Stupidest thing I HAVE EVER SEEN.
WHAT.
Becca: That is worse than if she'd shot her on purpose.
Because of course Meg couldn't even have had the agency to try and get revenge on anyone, she just wanted the Phantom to ~*~notice her~*~ before she killed herself (with that Chekhov's literal gun, DAMMIT Phantom Turpin!) and took the kid because she knew no one would notice she was gone otherwise. (It is... legitimately sad that this is completely true. WE NOTICED, MEG! ME AND BECCA CARE ABOUT YOU!)
Let the kid run off alone, sure - Yup, the Girys get the hell out of dodge, and Christine (while dying) is all 'the Phantom is your ~*~father~*~ now! <3!' and the kid still isn't over the face thing, so he runs away, and the Phantom and Christine (still dying) are left alone to paw at each other for about an HOUR:
If they got Christine some medical attention, she'd probably be fine - Or if they'd actually used the robot Christine from the beginning in some way? Oh man, I bet that was in the first draft, and then they took it out in favour of TRAGEDY, but... left the creepy robot in at the beginning for kicks?
Eeew.
And now:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- Page 7
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
She dies, in case you didn't get that.
Also yes, I didn't have enough space left on the previous page to do the Big No justice. It was big.
A lot of people are actually crying at this shit - And not at how awful the plot, characterisation and general logic was. Becca and I peered around, then stayed quiet.
Raoul is here. Did Gustave go to get him? - Raoul was taking the ferry back to the mainland. Finally, I am convinced that is definitely the Phantom's kid - he's inherited his ability to travel at speed through secret passages that do not actually exist.
And then, it... just kind of ends. Kind of like this review should, I am dying here.
Let's just wrap up. I... kind of enjoyed the first half. Even beyond just laughing at the melodrama and crazy plot, and complete changes in characterisation. It was beautiful to look at, there were a few moments of nice music, and lots of lots of crack. I like that in a show!
But the second half... I cannot do anything but whimper 'Problems... PROBLEMS.' every time I try and articulate anything succinct. Which would be why I took this review through note by note. I cannot draw it together!
I do think my original, joking title of Love Never Dies: The Only Good Woman is a Dead Soprano becomes faintly uncomfortable when you realise that this is almost exactly true. Christine, the pure heroine - and this is how she is presented, despite the premarital sex, because a) it was with her True Love and b) it got her pregnant with his son - has brought Gustave up to age ten, and now he is ready for the world of his father. He does not need her any more. The Phantom will grieve her forever, but she has fairly literally given him a son. (And by that way? Few things annoy me more than: He is your son! I always knew! HOW? FFS, you HAD YOUR WEDDING NIGHT THE DAY AFTER THAT, IT COULD HAVE BEEN RAOUL'S.) She has fulfilled her purpose. And she could not have left with Raoul, despite the hints that she did still love him for who he used to be (and was determined to be again for her sake) because if the Phantom couldn't have her, nobody could.
It's almost exactly what he was getting at throughout the whole first musical, except the love story they were trying to make would not work if he had killed her or caused her to die. No, that had to be the fault of the only two other women with major roles - Madame Giry for her OOC scheming, and Meg for trying to draw attention to herself (and more to the point, being 'impure', sexual - despite that it was never what she wanted and OH GOD that's a whole other issue - and ambitious, career-wise), gets to accidentally kill her friend. (NOT MY OPINION OF HER ACTIONS. This is just... the impression this whole sorry mess leaves in my mind.)
I'll stop now, because this was meant to be lighthearted mockery, dammit, and I'll get depressed if I think about it too much longer.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT PROBLEMS.
One more note, that I really CANNOT remember writing:
Incase w - That is it. All I can think is that I looked around at murderous faces during one of the moments where the giggling grew uncontrollable and tried to write In case we die, tell my family I loved them.
In conclusion:
Becca: Gustave has two Daddies and A ROBOT MOMMY. - So he has.
Come on, fess up. Who linked Andrew Lloyd Webber to the Pit of Voles?
EDIT: I cannot believe I just wrote 4,000 words about an Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical.
